Beyond the Mask Read online

  Daylight, the welcome hours where fearful noises and scary thoughts no longer terrified me. Both Nicholas and Peter had gone off for the day and the hours passed slowly.

  I loved it when Anna was awake and needed attending to but she slept well for her age, day and night and there were still hours to kill in my day.

  I’d just come downstairs for lunch when the door bell went. Mrs Williams answered the door. I was sitting in the dining room and could hear the warmth in her voice when she spoke.

  “Nicholas isn’t in I’m afraid, John. They won’t be in until tonight.”

  I was so surprised to hear her speaking pleasantly and wondered if I’d ever be accepted by her. She evidently liked John.

  “May I see Mrs Seerdon just for a moment please?”

  “If you wish. Come through please. She’s in the dining room.” There was instant coolness in her voice and the next moment John was ushered in.

  “Will that mean two for lunch, Mrs Seerdon?” I pretended not to notice her disapproval.

  “Would you like to stay for lunch, John?”

  “No thanks, Kim. I can’t stay long.” Mrs Williams, now smugly satisfied, finally left the room and a few minutes later could be heard bustling in the kitchen.

  “How are you Kimberley? Are things ok?” he asked quietly.” The concern and care in his voice affected me deeply.

  “Things aren’t ok really. Did you hear any horrible noises last night?”

  “No, what sort of noise?”

  “I don’t know. Like a, some sort of weird animal noise. I was so afraid.”

  “It may have been an animal fighting or wounded.”

  “It wasn’t like that. It was – oh I can’t explain it. Nicholas didn’t hear it. I was just so afraid.” I finished on a whisper.

  “I wish you’d get away from here. You look so thin and pale. And I don’t like the way Nick keeps you here without a phone or use of a vehicle. It’s not right.”

  “I might ask Nicholas if I could take Anna with me for a short holiday, to stay with my old flatmate.” Even as I said this I knew that Nicholas would never allow it. He’d ripped up my letter to Alisha months ago and I’d never attempted to write again. I wondered if she ever worried about not hearing from me. Nicholas was so convincing, he could tell a good story and if she’d ever rung here he would allay any concerns about me. If she’d left a message she would presume we were away. She didn’t even know Anna was born yet.

  “Have you told her anything about your life here?”

  “No, I didn’t want to worry her. She was so worried about me marrying someone I’d known such a short time.”

  “I didn’t hear anything last night. But if it happens again, call me and I’ll come over and check round outside. Nicholas would never know I’ve been here.” He paused. “When are you planning on going?”

  “I’ll ask Nicholas tonight.”

  Though he seemed reluctant to do so, John left and I decided to have a walk round the garden after lunch and before Anna’s next feed.

  At three, Nicholas came in, alone for once.

  “Where’s Peter?”

  “He’s gone into town. He’ll be back tonight.” He sniffed the air and smiled. “Pikelets. They smell delicious. Janet is such a good cook.”

  “Janet. Do you always call her by her first name?”

  “She’s been around since I was a baby. We usually use first names.”

  “Not to me she doesn’t.”

  “Well I’m afraid she insists on calling you Mrs Seerdon. She’ll come round, Kimberley.”

  “So you say but she doesn’t like me and makes it very clear.”

  “You’re always on the defensive, Kim.”

  “I don’t mean to be. Actually Nicholas, I’ve been thinking. How would you feel if Anna and I went down to Christchurch for a few days to stay with my flatmate Alisha? Would you mind if...”

  “No, Kimberley. Anna is only two months old. Wait for a few months and then you can leave her here for me to care for while you’re away.”

  I stared at him and then I walked off. Arguing would get me nowhere. And it could lead me into big trouble. I would never leave Anna here, ever.

  “Kimberley!” He called after me. I was halfway up the stairs by now. Next minute I heard his footsteps on the stairs. “Kim!” I waited because I was too afraid not to. “Kim, I would miss you too much, that’s all.” At that I walked into our bedroom and he followed me. “I promise you we’ll take that Paris trip later on and then you can go to Christchurch.”

  He put out his arms and drew me towards him but I stiffened. “Look I know I’m not attentive enough to you but I want you here by my side where you belong. I need you here!” His voice sounded almost desperate.

  “Will you let me go to Christchurch with Anna later on?”

  “Yes, I promise you.” I looked into his eyes and wished I could read the true expression behind those seemingly loving eyes. I could see he was anxious for me to stay and I tried to fool myself into believing he genuinely wanted me by his side because he loved me. He kissed me then, gently, then more passionately, the first time he’d done so since Anna had been born and he swept me up off the ground and placed me gently on the bed.

  Chapter Eight

  The sun streamed through the window and I reluctantly opened my eyes. Nicholas had left me a short time ago. I showered listlessly and dressed into a yellow sunfrock and white sandals. I looked into the large mirror in our ensuite and my eyes looked huge in my white face. I felt so intensely depressed. I couldn’t even cry and I lay back on our unmade bed, staring up at the ornate plaster ceiling without even seeing it.

  Nicholas’ need of me had been like a raging storm and I had been unresisting. Then his voice rang out in my ears over and over again. “Anna, Anna!”

  “I’m not Anna,” I now said aloud. “I’m me.” I got up and paced up and down the bedroom feeling unloved, used, trapped and restless. Then I heard my baby’s cry from the next room.

  I ran into the nursery, lifted her from the bassinette and held her tight against me. Anna nestled into me but sensing my distress began to cry. I took her downstairs after I’d dressed and fed her and let her kick on the rug beside me. Nicholas came in late for our evening meal and he was tired and distant.

  “I won’t be in for lunch tomorrow, Kimberley. I’ll get Janet to bring it down to the stables. I have Geoff Mayham, the vet, coming to check out Merelie and I want to ride in the afternoon.”

  “Could I bring it for you?”

  “It’s OK. Janet likes the exercise.”

  “Please Nick. I haven’t got enough to do and I would love to bring it to you tomorrow.” I knew my voice was pleading and I despised myself for it.

  “No damn it!” he snapped. “You knew that I was a loner when you married me. A woman should be content to stay at home, especially when she’s a mother!”

  I stood up and gripped the edge of the table. The anger I felt and the betrayal of him using me earlier was so intense I didn’t care about the consequences. “That’s not fair! I know that Anna and you shared everything and you wanted her with you as much as possible!”

  He stared at me for a few moments. “So, you’ve been asking questions about us have you? It happens to be my private business as to what went on in my first marriage and I’ll thank you to mind your own bloody business!” He stormed off, his face a peculiar mixture of anger and what I could only interpret as longing and I knew it was for her.

  I collapsed into the chair and felt drained. I had never been one to explode in anger in the way Nicholas just had. My words had tumbled out without a thought of what may happen. I wished I could slam doors as Nicholas just had or yell and scream for relief. How ridiculous that this afternoon when Nicholas had taken me into his arms, I had thought, everything’s going to be all right. He does love me. Until his dead wife’s name was spoken aloud and I realised that his obsession with her had coloured everything in our own marriage. I never stood a c
hance.

  ................................................

  Peter Trinette sat in Nicholas’s study drinking straight vodka and smoking heavily. His blond hair was curlier than ever as he’d just had a shower and the steam had made his curls sit like a cap on his head. He was clad in a blue bathrobe and his skin was pink from the heat.

  Nicholas entered the room and Peter held out a cigarette to him. Without a word he lit Nicholas’s and waited for him to speak. -

  “It’s safe. She’s in a deep sleep.”

  “What about Mrs Williams?”

  “She’s making coffee for us.”

  “Well what’s next Nick?” He seemed nervous and was drinking far too much.

  “For goodness sake, take it easy on that stuff. You need to stay sober.” Nicholas took the three quarters empty bottle of Vodka off him and put it in his well stocked liquor cupboard. “We can’t talk till Janet is in bed.”

  “Have you drugged her coffee tonight?”

  “I don’t think it’s necessary until we’ve made our plans. I’m concerned about someone talking to Kimberley. It’ll be either Mrs Parmentor or I’m sorry to say, John.”

  “Why, what’s happened?”

  “One of them or both of them have been talking to her about Anna and our life together. We can’t afford for anything to go wrong. It’s getting too close.”

  “What about Mrs Williams? Can she be trusted? Won’t it be difficult to push Kimberley over the edge if she’s always hanging around?” He looked up suddenly and was astonished to see Janet Williams standing in the doorway.

  “Not difficult at all.” She stood there with a smile on her face.

  “Oh oh,”muttered Peter. “That’s torn it.” Unaccustomed to drinking large amounts of alcohol his voice was slurred. Nicholas stood up and stared at her.

  “No, it hasn’t torn it at all,” she whispered.

  “What do you mean?” Nicholas’ body was taut and he looked ready to spring into action at the slightest provocation.

  “I know your plans Nicholas. Don’t be alarmed. I wish to help you. You know you’ve always been so important to me. I’ll do anything to help you. I can’t stand Kimberley taking dear Anna’s place. It will be easier for you if you let me help you. Please let me, Nick. Remember when you were a little boy and you always came to me for help, when your father made you afraid. Well things haven’t changed. I’m still here and we can get rid of that intruder, can’t we? You won’t need to drug my coffee again, will you? That’s why I was so tired last night, wasn’t it Nick? I’m not angry at you, Nick. I want to help. I’ll do anything, anything for you.”

  Looking into her eager grey eyes, he knew she meant what she said. She would go to any lengths to help him with his plans. “All right, Janet. But I warn you....”

  “No need for warnings,” she interrupted. “You can trust me.”

  “I need to know a few things, Janet. Someone’s been gossiping to Kimberley about Anna. Who is it, Janet?”

  “Lillian Parmentor told me how interested Kimberley was in Anna.”

  “Then she has to go. I will tell her Kimberley has decided to take over her chores. I’ll make a generous addition to her last payment.” He paused. “What about John Ascott? Has he been here when I haven’t been home?”

  “Only the once. I disapproved but he didn’t stay long.” Nicholas looked relieved.

  “He’s an old friend but I want him completely away from all this. He must not be encouraged in any way to come here.”

  Peter Trinette staggered up and held out his hand to Janet. “Welcome aboard Mrs Williams.” She shook his hand briefly. Peter turned to Nicholas.

  “I don’t feel too good. I’m sorry Nick but I’ll have to pack it in.”

  “We were going to make plans tonight.”

  Peter shrugged, white faced. “Sorry Nick, I don’t feel well at all.”

  Janet put her hand on Nicholas’ sleeve. “We will make those plans Nick, you and I.” He looked up at her face then nodded.

  Chapter Nine

  The next few weeks passed in a nightmare of confusion and fear for me. It had begun the next night, with shrill, terrible screaming that tore through my body and woke me in a panic. I clutched at Nicholas but he was still sleeping, he moaned and simply turned over. The noise came again. This was no dream. I was completely awake.

  “Nick, Nick!” I shook him.

  “What is it? For goodness sake, what’s the matter?” His voice was terse.

  “Someone’s screaming. It sounds near. Someone’s in trouble.”

  He sat up and listened for a few minutes. “There’s no one. Go back to sleep. You were only having a dream.”

  “No, no I wasn’t dreaming. Nick please!” I pleaded.

  “What do you expect me to do?”

  “Let’s have a look. It sounded like it was in the house, downstairs.”

  “For goodness sake, Kimberley, the doors are locked, the windows bolted. No one can get in. The alarm would be going if anyone was about. Go back to sleep!”

  I lay there, every fibre of my being alert. There was no way I could go back to sleep. My mind was so active, going over and over that terrible noise, afraid to go downstairs and see for myself, then wondering if I had dreamed it. I got up and checked Anna but she was still sound asleep. I crawled back into bed and after a few hours eventually my body relaxed and I succumbed to sleep.

  Next day Peter Trinette left the house early and Nicholas went to the stables as soon as he had dressed and breakfasted.

  I’d been up at dawn to feed Anna so I had a leisurely breakfast alone and then prepared for my day. I fed Anna her morning feed and played with her until she was tired and ready for her morning sleep. I tucked her in and kissed her. I stood over her for a few minutes. I loved the sweet scented smell of her and as I kissed her again I had to force myself not to pick her up again. As I tip-toed out of the nursery I thought I heard a noise in our bedroom but there was no one there.

  I looked around at the beautiful mahogany wood panels and fancy ceilings and for a moment was lost in thought. It was still hard to believe that I was married to Nicholas and lived in this big house. I put out my hand and stroked the silk coverlet on our bed. Then I walked slowly downstairs to walk in the garden and fill in some time.

  It was early in the evening, when I was changing for dinner that I opened the wardrobe door and stood there in shock. Inside the wardrobe was a row of beautiful evening gowns that I’d never seen before. My own clothes had vanished. With growing fear I shut the bedroom door and then I looked down at the shoe boxes and pulled them out to check if the cell phone was there. I quickly found it where I’d put it and took it into the nursery and placed it in the middle of Anna’s clothes for now. I would have to think of a more secure place for it. If all of my clothes were gone it could have also been all of my shoes and then I would have no help when I needed it.

  I ran back into our bedroom and looked again at the clothes. In the midst of the coloured gowns was a beautifully cut riding outfit. High boots and a riding crop were placed on the shelf at the bottom of the wardrobe beside the shoe boxes. Slowly I took out the gowns one by one and gazed at them before hanging them up again- ... beautiful, elegant and sexy gowns. Had Nicholas bought them for me? Maybe we would be going to Paris after all. I took out the riding jacket and jodhpurs and as I studied them I could tell they weren’t new. Then I noticed that two buttons had been torn off the jacket and as I looked inside it, I saw Anna Seerdon’s name printed on the label.

  I dropped it in shock. What was happening? Where were my things? I noticed an elusive scent coming from all the clothes. What did this mean? Did he want me to wear her clothes? Did he want me to take up riding? Had he changed his mind about me sharing time with him and his beloved horses? I slammed the wardrobe door shut.

  “Nicholas, Nicholas!” I called and there was no reply upstairs so I raced downstairs to find him. He was sitting watching television which was something he rar
ely did. “Nicholas, in my wardrobe, did you get them for me?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The clothes in my, ... in our wardrobe. About eight gowns and the riding gear” I stopped as I saw the look on his face.

  “I know nothing about them.”

  “My clothes are gone, Nicholas. I went to change for dinner and my clothes were gone. The riding outfit has Anna’s name on it.” My voice was shaky and I tried to stop my hands from shaking.

  “What the hell are you playing at? There are none of Anna’s clothes anywhere in this house!”

  “Please come and see for yourself. I can’t explain it either. You’ll have to see.”

  He stubbed out his cigarette and stood up. He seemed reluctant to come with me but finally he followed me upstairs. I flung the wardrobe door open and stood staring. In place of the gowns and the riding apparel were my own clothes. The crop and boots had disappeared along with the gowns.

  “I don’t understand. They were here a minute ago.”

  “I’m not amused by your childish game Kimberley.” His eyes were cold and he glared at me before stalking angrily out of the room.

  I sat on the bed. My legs felt weak. I tried to work out what had just happened but even though I knew what I’d seen I began to doubt myself. Then I looked everywhere in the room, in the ensuite, in the nursery. I checked on Anna, fast asleep for now. The cell phone was with her clothes where I’d hidden it. I felt sick at the thought of what I would have done if my shoes had gone as well as my clothes but here they all were just as I’d left them. I tried to remember in what order I’d hung them but couldn’t. They looked as they always did and again I wondered if I was losing it. Maybe this is what postnatal depression was like.

  I crept into the guest rooms and quickly checked all the drawers and wardrobes for the clothes I’d seen. Nothing! I hesitated outside Mrs Williams’ door and almost surprised myself as I plucked up the courage and knocked. Mrs Williams opened the door after a few seconds and seemed very surprised to see me standing there.

  “Mrs Williams, did you put some clothes in my room that don’t belong to me?”