Beyond the Mask Page 3

  “Is it not a dressing-gown?”

  “Yes of course it is but......”

  “Kimberley, it’s for me to enjoy, not anyone else. Please get dressed before breakfast if you wish to join me.”

  I was angry but I suppressed it. I didn’t want to start something that I might not be able to stop. I ran back upstairs and lay on our bed for a good half an hour crying. There was no way I wanted to have breakfast with Nicholas anymore.

  At lunch Nicholas was polite but cool. I supposed it was my punishment for displeasing him. Mrs Williams was her usual cold self and served our lunch with no words or smiles towards me. She reserved everything for Nicholas and it was plain to me that she worshipped the ground he walked on. When she left us alone I found the words I was thinking just spilled out.

  “She hates me being here, Nicholas”

  “She’ll get used to you. She thinks I’m her exclusive property.”

  “And Nicholas, am I yours?” I was shocked at my words but carried on regardless. “I don’t ever leave this house unless it’s for a walk around the garden. I never go into town. You never take me anywhere. I feel trapped.” I felt fear rise up in me as I waited for his response.

  “Kim.” He came closer and put his arms around me, drawing me up from the chair and holding me close to him.” Are you so unhappy being married to me?” He kissed me and I could not resist him. Despite everything I loved him.

  “No,” I whispered. “I love you. But I, I really would love to be able to get out and about occasionally.”

  “How about we make some travel arrangements and I take you to Paris for a few weeks soon?”

  “Do you mean it?”

  “Yes. We’ll go to Paris at the end of next month. I’ll make the arrangements.”

  “Nicholas, I wasn’t going to tell you yet but I think I’m pregnant.”

  His dark brown eyes lit up and then he smiled that strange smile of his I couldn’t read. Then he pulled me towards him again. “When will you know for sure?”

  “In a couple of weeks, if I’m still overdue, I’ll need a doctor.”

  “I’ll make the arrangements. Oh Kim, it’s wonderful news, wonderful.” He kissed me and was about to say something but Mrs Williams had quietly returned with our coffee. For a change she was glaring at us both. Nicholas moved away from me immediately and I was angry at him for doing so. After all he was my husband and why shouldn’t we enjoy a loving moment.

  Nicholas gulped his coffee down and stood up to leave. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to recapture that moment when I’d felt so close to him.

  “Take care of yourself Kim. I’ll see you tonight for dinner. Oh yes, I forgot to tell you. I’ve invited a friend of mine down here tomorrow for the weekend. He’s coming down from Auckland and will arrive late afternoon.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Peter Trinette, a business friend.” He bent and quickly kissed me. “I’m very pleased about your news. Let’s hope that you really are pregnant.”

  I felt emotionally flat and listless once he’d gone. I went upstairs, showered and changed into trousers and a blue top, made our bed and grabbed my expensive black leather jacket from our large walk in wardrobe. I’d need it for the walk in the grounds.

  “Oh sorry lovey. I didn’t know you were still here.” Mrs Parmentor stood in the doorway. “Oh deary. You don’t need to make the bed. That’s what I’m paid to do, part of my job.”

  “I know but I like to do it.” Somehow I felt I could be myself around this kind, motherly woman. “I guess I get a bit bored.”

  “Do you lovey? Well you sure are different to the late Mrs Seerdon in that respect. She was a go getter that woman.”

  I could have been offended but I knew here was a woman who accepted me and meant me no harm.

  “Always out spending money, riding horses, entertaining, flying. She had a real adventurous spirit she did.”

  “What did she look like?”

  “She was a looker same as you dear. Short hair the same colour as yours, blue eyes, very bright blue like yours.” She peered at me closely. “Yours are more of a bright green like the sea on a sunny day.I haven’t noticed the difference before. Same white skin as yours. She was a wee bit taller maybe but just as slim as you are. Actually lovey, I must say you gave me a shock when I first saw you.”

  Her hands were fiddling with her colourful apron as she spoke and I noticed she kept undoing the apron strings and tying them back up. “My Harry now, he wouldn’t believe me at first, but I told him, yes I told him you were just like Anna to look at. Yes quite a shock and it’s only now I’ve seen you a bit more that I can tell the difference. It’s funny you know. I can’t believe she’s dead. She was so, so alive. Full of living she was. Truth really is stranger than fiction just as they say. Well deary I must get on with my work.”

  She smiled kindly at me and I resisted the temptation to tell her of my loneliness. I felt despair in my heart and when she left our bedroom I felt intense emotional pain, like a physical blow to my chest.

  I knew why Nicholas had married me. Same hair, same eyes, same skin – I look like her. I look like Anna Seerdon. Utter dejection swept over me and I flung my jacket into the corner of the room, sat down in that same corner and wept uncontrollably, feeling discarded and used. After a time I crept on to the bed and fell into an exhausted sleep.

  I woke with a start and was immediately aware of men’s voices beneath the open bedroom window. I tip-toed to the window and looked down to see who it was and recognised Nicholas. The other man had his back to me but I could hear their voices carried by the breeze, clearly.

  “How are you going to explain me being here to your new Mrs?

  “Don’t show up till tomorrow. She’s out walking in the garden so make sure you go over to the stables. I told her you were a business friend.”

  “Well we are in a way.” The stranger laughed. “Do I look the part?”

  “Well she’s a very trusting sort of person.”

  “Hah! That’s to your advantage.”

  “Yes I know. You’d better go Peter. Come back tomorrow afternoon. Be prepared for a shock when you see her.”

  I felt dizzy and sick as I heard this. What was going on? I lay back on our bed and it was several minutes before I could pull myself together but I was frightened and emotional. ‘Oh God help me,’ I prayed. The first time I had spoken to Him since the accident. Mind you I didn’t expect His help anymore.

  The words I heard kept going over and over in my mind like a torment. Then doubts began to creep in. Did I imagine the ominous tone and words spoken? Or was it just an ordinary conversation that I had misinterpreted. I heard again the mocking voices. Whichever way I looked at it, Nicholas had not been honest with me. There was something wrong and I’d have to remain alert and try to find out what.

  I was nervous as I slowly walked down the stairs. On purpose I’d chosen beautifully cut satin trousers and an expensive jade green top. I put myself into the confident wife character and I knew I looked my best. It gave me the courage to carry on the charade.

  The three men stood up as I entered the room. Nicholas, charming as always in company, took my hand.

  “Kimberley, this is Peter Trinette. Peter, my wife.” He sounded proud of me. I immediately recognised the white curly hair of the man I’d seen outside the window.

  “I’m pleased to meet you, Peter.” I put out my hand and made myself shake his with a firm grip and I was relieved my hand was not trembling. I turned to John. “Hullo John, how are you?”

  “Good thanks, Kimberley. It’s lovely to see you again. Here we are neighbours and I hardly ever see you both. I thought it was time for a visit. Hope you don’t mind. I didn’t know you had guests.” I smiled, showing him that it was not an issue and I turned to Peter.

  “What time did you arrive, Peter?”

  “Early this afternoon.” His voice had the faintest of accents.

  On the surface I knew I appeared cal
m but I wanted to leave the room and stop wearing the mask I was obliged to wear. Peter had shown no shock on his pale face when we had been introduced. So he too was good at acting. My mind screamed to leave and go upstairs to our bedroom. Then I decided to write to Alisha. She would know what to do. I had a cup of coffee with the men as they discussed horses and farming. John made an effort to include me in their conversation but after a short time I excused myself and went into Nicholas’ study. He no longer had a lap-top but carried his with him at all times.

  The office was huge and dominated by a huge mahogany desk that was dust free and orderly. I tried the drawers of the desk to find all but the top one locked. In the top drawer I found what I was looking for and took the writing paper upstairs and sat on the bed. ‘Oh Alisha,’ I thought, ‘why didn’t I listen to you?’ I didn’t know what to write to Alisha. There was no real proof anything was going on. How I wished Alisha could come up north and stay. I tried to write a coherent letter to her and sealed it in the envelope when I finished. Then because I was too stirred up to sleep, I read for a long time.

  I was still awake when Nicholas finally came to bed. As soon as I saw him I wished I’d pretended to be asleep. He grabbed the letter I’d written to Alisha and waved it in front of my face. With a sick feeling in my stomach I realised it had fallen out of the book I’d been reading and on to the floor.

  “What’s the meaning of this?” I was terrified but tried to stay calm.

  “I wrote to Alisha.”

  “You went into my office. You took my paper. And you invited John Ascott here.”

  “What? I didn’t. I promise you. I thought you had invited him.”

  “This is to him isn’t it?” This was not a question. He had already made up his mind.

  “No Nicholas. I wrote to Alisha.”

  He ripped open the letter and scanned the contents, his face going white with anger.

  “How dare you discuss our marriage with anybody else!” He tore the letter into pieces and threw them across the room. His face was livid and his eyes terrified me and then I knew.

  “No Nicholas! The baby! Please!” The blows were all on my upper body. When he’d gone I could not enlist the energy to drag my body off the bed. My mind was numb and I fell into a deep sleep to escape the pain.

  .................................................

  Nicholas was back to being the charming husband but I no longer felt anything for him. My heart felt cold towards him so I too pretended. I knew we lived a lie but my focus was now on the child I was sure I was carrying. I did not think of my baby as being a part of us both. It was mine and I would find a way to protect us. I made a decision to be even more careful not to make waves. On the outside I would be the most loving, obedient wife and then he would never hit me again.

  Nicholas waited until all the bruising was gone before he took me to the Obstetrician in New Plymouth. Of course he came in with me and waited outside the curtain, within hearing distance when the Dr examined me. My pregnancy was confirmed. I was three and a half months. All the way home Nicholas was elated but as soon as we arrived at Glen Fern he changed.

  I saw him speaking furtively to Mrs Williams further up the hall as I went upstairs. When I ventured downstairs much later, Nicholas was in his study with the door closed. Since I had taken his letter writing paper he’d kept the study locked when he wasn’t using it. I heard the muffled sound of him speaking on the telephone, the only one in this huge house with the exception of his cell phone. He’d fobbed me off when I’d made noises about getting a cell phone in the early weeks and now I didn’t dare ask. I was isolated from the world and the television was the only way to keep up with world affairs and out of boredom I watched far too much, even watching the soaps, something I’d never bothered with before. I had no car and Nicholas kept the keys locked in the office when he wasn’t driving it.

  Chapter Five

  The next few months went slowly. Nicholas was away a lot more on his business trips, especially now in the last trimester of my pregnancy. My stomach was large and the doctor was expecting the baby to be a good weight. Nicholas seemed physically repulsed by my pregnancy and to my relief left me alone.

  Peter Trinette came back to visit a few more times at Nicholas’ invitation. I didn’t like him and I could tell it was mutual. We were always extremely polite to each other and I kept away from both he and Nicholas when he was staying.

  I wandered outside a lot at this time. The gardens were a mass of riotous colour now, beautifully kept by the head gardener and his workers. I found myself humming as I picked statice to put in our bedroom vase. Mrs Williams always had fresh flowers everywhere but today with Nicholas away, I felt free to pick them myself.

  My baby only had around four weeks to go before she was born. I hadn’t wanted to know the sex of my baby but Nicholas had insisted and I was pleased that I was having a daughter. I hoped her birth would change Nicholas’ attitude and whatever his plans were I even felt a little more optimistic for our future. I was depending on this baby to change our lives. Maybe then Mrs Williams would finally accept me and I would be mistress of this house.

  “Good morning Mrs Seerdon.” I jumped. Harry Smith, head gardener was on his knees on the other side of the garden and I hadn’t seen him. “Sorry to startle you Mrs Seerdon.” He glanced at my armful of pink and purple statice and smiled. I was so pleased to see a friendly face and I began to chat to him and ask him about himself. If Nicholas had been at Glen Fern I wouldn’t have dared but I felt free. I decided to be mistress of Glen Fern if only for a moment.

  “Harry, I’d like a large bunch of those red roses over there. I’d like to choose the blooms myself.”

  “Sure Mrs Seerdon.” He handed me the secateurs and smiled though I could tell he was surprised. I knew Mrs Williams was the one he was used to dealing with for the house flowers. I couldn’t help but feel I’d scored one up on Mrs Williams. After all I was Nicholas’ wife and if I wanted to pick flowers, I was entitled to, surely.

  I lay the statice on the ground and went to the Rose gardens. I selected the best buds and they smelt beautiful. I was engrossed in smelling the blooms when I heard the sound of a vehicle coming up the long driveway. I stopped what I was doing. It seemed ages before a Toyota Landcruiser appeared and it took me a few minutes to recognise the driver.

  John Ascott climbed out of the vehicle and I walked towards him, putting the buds with the statice that I had placed on the ground. I was ridiculously happy to see him. He seemed such an uncomplicated person and I’d instinctively felt that with him, what you saw was what you got.

  “Hi Kimberley how are you?”

  “Hi John, I’m well thank you.” I laughed, slightly embarrassed as I was now totally unused to socialising. “I guess I’ve grown somewhat since you last saw me.”

  “You look great. When is your baby due?”

  “About four weeks.”

  “Pregnancy suits you.” I flushed. John was such an easy going person, so comfortable to be with but I knew if Nicholas was here he would be angry with me for talking to John.

  “Is Nicholas around Kimberley?”

  “No, he’s away till Monday.”

  “That’s a pity. I don’t see much of him these days. We’ve been mates since primary school. He’s changed though.” He stopped and seemed unsure whether to say anymore.

  “Has he John? Tell me what he was like when he was younger.”

  “Fun. He was fun to be with. Adventurous, daring, intense. He’s still intense but in a different way. He’s never been the same since Anna died.” He caught the look on my face. “Oh don’t be worried about me saying that Kimberley. Anna and Nick used to have some horrific rows at times and I’m sure you have brought Nicholas a lot of peace, which is what he needed after all the tragedy.”

  “What tragedy?”

  “I presumed Nick would have told you.”

  “No. Please tell me. We don’t discuss the past. I’ve had my own tragedy
to deal with and I guess we didn’t want to bring it into our marriage.”

  “I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through hard times.”

  “I guess the reality is that no-one is exempt from hard times, however much we wish we could be.” I paused for a moment. “John, why don’t you come up to the house and I’ll make coffee for you. Then you can tell me about Nicholas.” I knew it was disloyal to Nicholas to suggest it but I wanted to understand the man I married. Maybe we could build a better relationship if I knew more about him.

  It was more difficult than what I had anticipated. Mrs Williams was friendly to John. She’d known him for years but she was livid at me for having John here when Nicholas was not present. It didn’t seem wrong to me. I was hungry for company and John was so friendly and so easy to talk to and I felt I could trust him.

  Mrs Williams hovered longer than usual but I blatantly dismissed her and made even more of an enemy of her, if that was possible.

  We talked a little more surface talk-before John began to talk about Nicholas. I could see he was genuinely puzzled and hurt that the friendship was only one way now.

  “It’s like he won’t let me in anymore. It happened after Anna miscarried for the fourth time. Finally she carried full term. We all held our breaths. Nicholas had been frantic throughout the entire pregnancy. Their little baby girl was stillborn. It was terrible. I will never forget the look on his face when he told me. He and Anna went away to Norfolk Island when she was out of hospital and she was involved in a diving accident. I don’t know all the details but apparently they were unable to save her and by the time Nicholas returned to Glen Fern, he couldn’t talk about it. I’ve tried ever since to re-establish our friendship but I can’t do it alone.” He broke off as Mrs Williams soundlessly appeared at our side to collect the cups and plates. When she’d gone he looked worried.

  “Kimberley, will you be ok when Nicholas comes back?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I should have thought but Nicholas probably would not be happy about me being here when he’s not around. I’d better go. I’ve enjoyed talking to you.” He stood up and hesitated. I knew he wanted to say something more. “This will seem an awfully impertinent question Kimberley but I feel I must ask it.”