Beyond the Mask Read online

  “Sorry,” I said, horrified that we had almost ended up in what could have been a nasty fall.

  “Are you ok?

  “Yes. I’m sorry, Mr Seerdon.” I had spilt the Milo over myself and the carpet and I was horribly embarrassed about it. He reached out and took the half empty cup off me. My hands were shaking.

  “Kimberley, did you burn yourself?”

  “No, I, no the Milo was not too hot. I’m fine. Look I’ll get a cloth and clean the carpet.”

  “Leave it till the morning. Look I can’t sleep either. How about I make another drink for us? We’ll have it in the dining room and you can tell me how you’re adjusting to your new life here.”

  “Yes, yes that would be nice. Thank you.” I looked at the carpet and he noticed immediately.

  “There’s no mark, the beauty of a dark carpet. Come down when you’re ready.” As he spoke he brushed a lock of black hair from his forehead. For 4.30 in the morning he looked remarkably fresh. I was not at all sure how I was looking at this moment.

  In typical women style I went into my bathroom and pulled the brush through my hair. My face was even whiter than usual but I was thankful for my auburn hair and sea green eyes framed by long lashes inherited from my grandmother. I frowned at myself and pinched my cheeks with my fingers. I felt more confident now and made my way downstairs.

  My dressing gown was modest and covered all of me. I felt a range of emotions. I’d always been shy around men but I was stimulated by this unexpected middle of the night cup of tea with Nicholas. Mrs Williams would not be amused.

  Nicholas didn’t ask her to join us and she was silent as she poured our tea and left the room. I tried to relax but found it difficult. Nicholas wore a navy silk robe perfectly suited to his dark colouring. This situation made me feel out of my depth. Why on earth was it happening?

  I needn’t have worried for he was a charming host. He asked me how I liked the job. I didn’t tell him the job was unfulfilling. Somehow it didn’t seem that way tonight. Then he asked me some personal questions. I found myself telling him about Don, about Mum and Dad. He seemed to be a good listener and showed great concern for me. Being so lonely and isolated and having someone show an interest in me affected me deeply so I told him about the nightmares and he showed me great sympathy. When we’d finished our hot drinks he put out a hand and touched my arm.

  “You’ve had a very rough time of it. I hope that you’ll be happy here at Glen Fern. You liven up this place and its nice having you around.” He looked at his watch. As he did I glanced at my own wristwatch and was amazed to find it was 5.45.

  “Well, Kimberley, I must go and get ready for my day. Enjoy your day off.” He hesitated.

  “Are you interested in horses at all?”

  “Well I’ve always been a townie. I don’t know how to ride or anything. I’ve only seen horses from a distance.”

  “If you’re interested, come over to the stables after lunch. I’ll show you around, it may give you something to do on your day off.” He smiled, said goodbye and left the room.

  As soon as Mrs Williams came in to get our cups, I also left the room. I had always tried to be friendly and polite to her but nothing made a difference. I just could not break through her noticeable dislike of me. Somehow it didn’t hurt as much as usual. Nicholas had been so kind and understanding this morning that it was balm to my soul. I still felt very vulnerable but after a bad start the day seemed so much brighter.

  Chapter Three

  It had all happened so fast. I just could not believe the way my life was turning out. Nicholas asked me to marry him! From the day I’d told him about my past, things changed between us, slowly at first. He’d shown me the stables and then began to make a habit of asking me out on my day off.

  Sometimes I would catch him looking at me with an enigmatic smile on his face. As soon as he knew I’d seen him a shutter would come over his face. He always appeared to be weighing me up and I could not work out why. I didn’t think it was anything to do with my job because he became too personally interested for it to be that. He began to come inside for meals every day and rarely went away for business anymore.

  It was getting colder so I lit the fire in the main sitting room at nights. The massive fireplace dominated the room. One night I sat beside the fire after dinner. The meal combined with the warm comforting glow of the fire caused a deep weariness to seep through my body and try as I might I just could not keep my eyes open.

  When I awoke it was to find Nicholas standing over me with a strange smile on his face.

  “You’re beautiful, Kimberley,” he said and before I could decide whether I wanted him to or not, he bent and kissed me.

  I felt myself go weak and hot. I responded at once to his kiss and then felt ashamed that I had. I pushed him away and he backed off immediately.

  “Nicholas. I, I work for you. This complicates things.”

  “It needn’t Kimberley. I have been thinking about you incessantly since you arrived. It’s been four years since my wife died. Kimberley, I won’t rush you into it. I know all you’ve been through but I seriously want you to think about marrying me. Will you do that? Will you think about it?”

  My eyes felt as big as saucers that this man should want to marry me. I was afraid. He was so handsome and I was so naive but my heart screamed yes and though I didn’t tell him yes that day, I agreed to think about it. And think about it I did, day and night. He was always on my mind, and each day I was more determined to marry him but afraid to say a definite yes. I wasn’t even sure what I was afraid of but fear rose up again and again and my emotions were stirred to fever pitch. I knew I was going to marry a virtual stranger but I decided to follow my emotions.

  The day I told him I’d marry him he was ecstatic I had never seen him this way before. Normally he was very controlled but this day he was excited. His hands trembled as he embraced me and thanked me for the most wonderful news.

  “When Kimberley? There’s no need to wait. I’ll arrange the licence. We’ll get a justice of the peace ...”

  “Oh no Nicholas, I need to, want to be married in a church. Please! There’s a beautiful little church near the city. I’ve seen it. Please!”

  “I’m an atheist Kimberley.” He grabbed hold of my wrists and held them tight. “Marry me here at Glen Fern, Kimberley. This is our inheritance, yours and mine. Marry me here. Say you will.” His brown eyes beseeched mine and I gave in. I rubbed at my wrists when he let me go and he took my tiny hands in his and kissed them. Then he kissed me so sweetly I forgot the fear and basked in the fact that at long last I had someone who was going to look after me, who would cherish me, someone who I could call family, and finally, someone who I belonged to.

  “We’ll need witnesses,” he said that night as we drank a celebratory glass of wine.

  “Alisha must come, Nicholas. She’s all I have.”

  “There’s no time darling. I don’t want to wait. Every day is too long to wait for you. I have the license and we can marry this Saturday.”

  “But what will I wear?”

  “I have a wonderful surprise for you. I bought a dress for you that you will love. I chose it for you. It’s beautiful.”

  “But I........”

  “Oh darling I can’t wait to see you in it. You are such a beautiful woman.” He kissed me again and so I kept quiet and let him make all the plans. He was so excited and even though I wanted to marry him and was wildly attracted to him I felt troubled by all the attention and the way he’d taken over. This was all so different to what my wedding plans with Don had been. I’d chosen a gown myself and together we’d planned to get married in an Anglican church in Dunedin.

  With Nicholas though, I could not shake off the fear. I couldn’t change my mind either. He was so lovely to me and his excitement affected me deeply. I was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. Two days to go before my wedding day. I could hardly believe it.

  I wrote to Alisha to tell her. I knew she�
��d be upset about not being able to come. By the time she received my letter I would be married.

  The night before our wedding day I met John Ascott, out nearest neighbour. I had never met him before but Nicholas had invited him for tea.

  “Kimberley, this is John Ascott, John, my wife to be.”

  I smiled warmly at John as he reached out to shake my hand but I was surprised to see the expression on his face. I’d seen that same look on Mrs Parmentor’s face the first time I’d met her; shock. Not surprise but shock. He recovered quickly, as our part time cleaner had done but it left me feeling uneasy.

  “Pleased to meet you, Kimberley. I’m honoured to be a witness for your wedding.”

  I looked up at Nicholas. He was watching our meeting intently. He turned to Mrs Williams whom I had not seen hovering in the background. “Janet, would you bring supper in now please.”

  I dared not look at Janet Williams’ face. I knew she would loathe the fact that I was to marry Nicholas. She hated me when I had been an ordinary housekeeper, now I was to be Nicholas’ wife and that changed our relationship completely. How I wished I had the power to sack her but I knew Nicholas would never agree to it and I didn’t even attempt to ask him.

  John’s company was refreshing. He was not an intense man like Nicholas. His face was pleasant but Nicholas was so startling in looks that he far outshone John. But I liked John’s easy going manner and I felt very relaxed in his company.

  Twice I saw Nicholas’ eyes narrow at me, so fairly early in the evening I made a comment about needing my beauty sleep for the wedding next day. Nicholas followed me out of the dining room and kissed me goodnight. His mood seemed different now that we were alone. I didn’t understand his moods but as he kissed me again I forgot his strange behaviour and responded to his kisses.

  “Tomorrow you are mine,” he whispered. He kissed me again and his eyes were full of adoration for me. My self-esteem soared and I was almost walking on air as I left him and went upstairs to my room, my last night on my own. Sleep eluded me until the early hours of the morning. Before dawn I was rudely awakened by my usual nightmare. My wedding day had arrived.

  When I returned to my bedroom after having a long luxurious bath in the huge tub that always reminded me of a private pool, I found my wedding dress on my bed as Nicholas had promised. He had wanted me to be surprised and even though I’d wanted to see it beforehand and try it on, I’d said nothing.

  I knew it was designer made as soon as I saw it. It was beautiful. Not at all what I would have chosen but when I put it on I was thrilled. It fitted me perfectly. It was made of pure cream silk that suited my pale skin and auburn hair. The dress had a long silk train and a fine lace veil. As I put the veil on I was relieved that it suited me. I had been unsure about the veil and would have preferred to wear flowers in my hair but the overall effect was stunning and I couldn’t help smiling at myself in the mirror.

  I opened the wardrobe door and gasped as I saw all of my clothes were gone. I calmed myself down as I realised they would now be in what would be my new bedroom further down the hall. Nicholas’ bedroom, now our bedroom. New cream shoes in my size sat alone at the bottom of the wardrobe. How had he known?

  I tried to do up the tiny pearl buttons at the back of the dress but couldn’t reach them all. What was I meant to do now? I could hardly call out and ask Mrs Williams to do it. She would likely rip her long fingernails on purpose down my back. Still I had no choice. I couldn’t get married with lots of buttons undone at my back. So I picked up the long train so I wouldn’t trip down the stairs and went to find her. Instead I found Nicholas.

  “You look breath-taking. I knew you would. Here, I’ll help you.” He turned me around after brushing my lips expertly with his. When he’d finished buttoning up my gown he led me downstairs.

  Mrs Williams stood at the bottom of the stairs and she complimented Nicholas on his appearance. Then she looked at me with pure hatred in her eyes. I shivered as she turned and abruptly followed us outside into the gardens.

  I didn’t take in much of the ceremony. It was brief and the Justice of the Peace who married us was a woman. John Ascott was dressed in suit and tie and Mrs Williams was dressed in her usual dark clothing. She looked as if she was at a funeral but I didn’t care. I was now Mrs Nicholas Seerdon.

  Mrs Williams waited on us as we ate a special wedding breakfast. I was not hungry. Neither was Nicholas. The JP hadn’t stayed and John Ascott didn’t stay long either. Nicholas didn’t take his eyes off me. I drank two glasses of wine quickly to try and relax. Don and I had chosen to wait for our wedding day and I was totally inexperienced. Nicholas didn’t know this and I was fearful of what lay in store for me but excited also.

  Nicholas took my glass from me and helped me to my feet. He held my hand tightly as we went upstairs and into his bedroom, our room.

  It wasn’t until late next day that I found all of my clothes from before our wedding day had disappeared. In the huge walk in wardrobe off our bedroom were expensive new outfits, new shoes and boots and in the drawers of the bedroom suite were luxurious lingerie and knitwear. I thanked Nicholas for his generosity but I felt afraid. Nothing was left of my past. There was now only my new life and Nicholas had chosen it all.

  Very quickly it became obvious that my job was to be there for Nicholas. He had set ideas about what he wanted me to do. He didn’t want me to work and I soon became bored with my day to day existence. I was determined to speak to him about it. Mrs Williams had taken over the running of the house again and I brought the subject up just three weeks into my new life as Nicholas’ wife.

  He seemed very distracted as I passed him in the upstairs hall.

  “Nicholas are you ok?” He turned back to me and smiled.

  “Of course I’m ok. How could I not be? Come here. You look beautiful in that green.”

  I moved closer to him and he kissed me.

  “Nicholas, can I talk to you?”

  “Yes, what is it?”

  “I have nothing to do now. Please can I help out with the house again? Didn’t you hire me because Mrs Williams was too old to cope?”

  “Janet will never be too old to care for this place. I’ve arranged for Mrs Parmentor to come in every other day to help Janet with the house.” He smiled again. “That leaves you free to be here for me.”

  “Nick, taking care of you doesn’t fill all of my day.” I was trying to be insistent but he was doing his best to avoid this conversation. I took no notice of his kisses because I really wanted to talk this through with him and enlist his help. I enjoyed being his wife but I needed something to do with my time. He was usually gone all day and I felt lonely without him. “Nicholas, please listen to me.” He pulled abruptly away from me.

  “I don’t wish to discuss it.”

  “Please don’t be angry with me.” He fumbled clumsily at my clothes and I was so afraid of Mrs Williams lurking in the corridor I pushed him away. The sting of the sudden slap shocked me into silence. “I am your husband!” Without warning he pushed me hard into the wall. I hardly knew what was happening. He pulled me into our bedroom and slammed the door shut with his foot. Then he threw me on to our bed. No-one came to rescue me. My screams were ignored. I lay on our bed for the rest of the day falling in and out of sleep. I didn’t want to think about what had happened. Nicholas had long gone. I didn’t even notice that evening had come and gone. I escaped into sleep. When Nicholas came to bed that night I awoke but pretended to be asleep.

  He held me in his arms and wept like a baby. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He swore he’d never hurt me again and I believed him.

  Chapter Four

  My eyes opened and I put my hand over to the other side of the bed. As usual at this time in the morning there was an empty space.

  “Damn!” I said it aloud. I’d been doing that a lot lately and that was unusual for me.

  Four months had gone by since I’d married Nicholas. He had kept to his word and had never struck
me since that terrible morning. My days were long but at least Nicholas came in for lunch each day and that eased the boredom somewhat.

  I spent my time painting. I was not a very good artist and would never make a sale but I could do a passable copy and I loved colours. Nicholas had agreed to buy me paints, an easel and art books to learn my chosen craft. I was surprised at how agreeable he was about my painting but he knew as well as I did that I had barely anything to do. I was convinced that ours was a good marriage and I was determined to make it work. So I didn’t complain about anything.

  I threw back the covers in a fit of dissatisfaction: another day just like the one before. I wasn’t even allowed to go into town to get supplies any longer. Whenever I suggested it Nicholas always made it plain that Mrs Parmentor had attended to it. It was so frustrating but I was afraid to make a scene about it. I avoided scenes at all cost. I wanted to break through the walls around Nicholas, to get to know him intimately as a person. I was afraid of him and he wouldn’t let me close to his heart.

  I brushed my hair and washed the sleep from my eyes. I’d shower later and dress in one of my outfits that seemed far too dressy to wear at home but they were what Nicholas expected me to wear. I put on my lovely cream silk dressing-gown and walked downstairs.

  “Hullo there. Did you fall out of bed this morning?”

  “Nicholas, I didn’t realise it was so early.”

  “I gathered that you didn’t expect to see me here.” His voice had a peculiar tone to it and he was frowning at me. From the expression on his face I was suddenly aware that he didn’t approve of what I was wearing.

  “Do you want me to get dressed for breakfast? I, I thought it would be ok if I came down like this.”

  “Night attire is for our bedroom, Kimberley. What you wear in the privacy of our bedroom should not be seen downstairs. You don’t know who could be here.”

  I looked down at my gown and was puzzled.

  “But I’m decently covered. It’s not immodest.”